Tuesday, March 24, 2009

You Are Amazingly Popular (Google It)

Ok. I'm obsessed. I know this because I recently purchased a magazine solely because Robert Pattinson's face graced its cover. I don't read GQ, I'm not a dude, and I don't consider myself preppy. After reading the brief story about the sexy cinema vampire, I tossed the magazine onto my dresser with no desire to ever open the pages again. Until today. I'm at the office for 8 excruciating hours so I need all the distractions I can get. Amazingly enough, I found an interesting and slightly amusing letter from the Editor-in-Chief, Jim Nelson.

It starts off with: "Have you been feeling more... popular lately? I'm here to tell you, it's an illusion. You are not any more popular than you have ever been. It's scientifically proven! An eye opening new study reveals that if you spend a lot of time on Facebook and other social networking sites, chances are you're alienated, lonely, and quite possibly demented."


And he then proceeds to go on about the different studies mixed with witty banter... etc etc.
He's pretty funny. Check him out.

The Office Drives Me Crazy

No, unfortunately, I am not speaking of THE OFFICE, the best show in the world. I'm talking about my office. My less exciting place of work. Every day I am exposed to the idiots and the scum of the area. Today a girl brought in a copy of the renewal form for the Readers Digest. "This form is telling me I can pay my ticket for only ten dollars, but I already paid it!"

Oh really. Breathe. Just breathe.

"Ma'am, can I have your citation number so I may look up your citation?" I said, deciding to ignore her stupidity for the time being.
"But this form says..." I stopped listening and my mind went blank for about thirty seconds.
"That is a renewal form for the readers digest. It says Readers Digest. Where does it say anywhere anything about this police station." She didn't deserve to be protected from herself.
"What? No, but this came with the other form..."
"Yes. It probably came in the mail at the same time but that doesn't mean WE sent it to you. And that delinquent notice..? That probably crossed in the mail because you waited until the last day to pay it, right?"
"Well, oh. I guess."
"Have a nice day ma'am"

Not ten minutes later:
"Is this the lost and found??" said a frantic, discheveled young man.
"Well this is the police office but we do have a lost and ..."
"Do you have any pants??" He cut me off.
"Yes, I asked the other offices and they said to come to the lost and found here." His eyes jerked around the room before they landed on my again. Fuck you other offices. Fuck you.
"Let me check, what color are they?"
"I don't care, I just need some pants."
Oh my god. "Sir, I can't just give you someone else's pants, even if we did have some."
"I just need to borrow them!! I'll give them back!!!"
Oh god. "Sure! I'll check for you!"
"Thank you! You're the only one that knows what they're doing!"
I ran into the back and sat there for about five minutes and came back out. "I'm sorry sir, unfortunately we don't have any pants. "

The Monday Night From Hell

In general, Monday nights are slow. Chances are you'll have a slow night and your shift will end early. This night was not the case. When we cut down to a five section chart, my section moved clear across the restaurant, leaving me with my original five FULL tables and giving me six new empty ones. When we switch to a new chart, we retain our original tables and take on just a few more, but since I had an entire new section, I had to keep five of my full tables and take on six more. Once the tables in my old section left, the girl who has those tables in her new section takes them. Get it? I hope so.

Well the (new) host proceeded to QUADRUPLE seat my new section, sending me into the early stages of cardiac arrest. Keep in mind, there are 16 steps I must deliver perfectly, and step one is "greet table within 30 seconds" quickly followed by "take the guest's drink order and deliver drinks under 3 minutes." Now, if the guests knew the steps and went about everything in order, this may be possible after being quadruple sat, but as we know, this is never the case. It's hooters. People want to talk. People want their food, now. People want pictures. People don't like their food. Their beer is too flat. They want lemons instead of limes. This is overcooked. This is undercooked. Can I have a refill? It's my son's birthday! Hey do you know any tricks? Can you hula hoop and pour my beer? I want a tee shirt. Can you sign my tee shirt? etc. I just want to take this moment to thank my fellow Hooters Girls from the bottom of my heart. I love them. "Hey brit! I greeted table 14 for you and put in his drink order don't worry about it!" "Hey brit! What's your number? I just took table 25's food order!" "Hey brit I'll go chat up table 5 k!" Seriously. Talk about team work and selflessness. No one else had completely new sections or ten tables so I'm sure they felt bad for me, but I didn't have to ask anyone for help. They just did it. I no longer question why we are the #1 Hooters in California.

A few highlights of my Monday night:
-Cranky business man/slave driver from hell: This middle aged, well dressed, ass came in with his mail-order bride straight from North Korea. She, too, was reasonably well dressed but spoke only when spoken to, by him, in single word answers. He ordered her a water and a beer for himself. As she sat at an odd angle at the table, directly adjacent to him, he ordered an appetizer, which he ate himself only to complain to me about how terrible it was for 5 minutes. I offered to take it off of his bill and get him something else. After I checked on his new appetizer, a favorite of most guests, he complained yet again, and asked for the check, which I brought to him. The woman didn't touch her water or the food, staring off into space, probably thinking of happier times. When I came back to pick up the check, I saw that he had left me over 50% as a tip. I'll never understand these men.
-The table of college guys that offered to buy me sushi if I left my number. This happens quite frequently at Hooters but these pompous frat boys acted like they were offering me the Rosetta stone.
-A photographer from the SDSU newspaper came in to take pictures of us "in action" for their next issue. We had so much fun with this. My manager kept shooing me around in different areas, pouring beer, or sitting with guests while the photographer flashed away. My favorite was a photo with all of the girls jumping in the air by the bar. I'll try and get some of those pictures to put up here. Or at least a link to the newspaper site. I still owe you school girl dress up pictures, I haven't forgotten.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I've been working a lot. Almost every shift during my check out, a manager tells me that they had a certain number of tables come up to them to personally compliment my service. I haven't had a secret shopper yet, but it's been a few weeks since our last one so I'm sure it will be any day now. Bonus here I come! I worked my first Friday a few weeks ago after only 2 days of waiting my own tables solo, and although I almost psyched myself out on the car ride to work, I kicked ass! The San Diego State University game was on so our bar was 5 guys deep. That's right. I couldn't even see the bar because of the many ridiculously tall guys surrounding it. And can I mention how drop dead gorgeous these men were? I know the girls are supposed to be the eye candy but we got a real treat that night. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but our Hooters is one of the highest ranking in the world when it comes to highest grossing Hooters restaurants. I survived my third day as a waitress on a Friday during a major game. YEAHH son.

They've also given me 4 days this week. Most girls get 3 and pick up their 4th day if they need the money. It's an irritating predicament. You'll spend how ever long it takes you to get ready and then drive to work early in hopes that one of the scheduled girls feels bloated, hung over, or just doesn't want to work. If everyone does want to work, you get to go home. Hour or two wasted. But I work four! They just gave me four. Good sign, no? I've been trying so hard. Wish me luck everyone. I guess my school over-achiever/nerd qualities have followed me to Hooters.

Oh yes and this Thursday is another dress up day and I'm working day shift. "Hoops and Hotties" in celebration of March Madness' Basketball season. I have no idea what I'm supposed to wear.

Never text a stranger.

I'm a nice person. It is very difficult for me to be mean to someone and if I feel that I were even slightly rude it will haunt me for days, weeks, months, and on special circumstances, even years. I also can't stand the feeling of owing somebody something. Sometimes, these traits end up giving me a huge pain in the ass.

A week or so ago I had waited on two separate tables that had ties with a few popular clubs in an area I like to frequent. Both tables asked me what I was doing this weekend, and I answered honestly: an old friend was in town from college and I was going to take her and a few other girl friends out. Both men left me their cards and told me to call before 9:00 that night with names to put on the VIP list. Unfortunately the girls decided to do something low key and with my huge heavy conscience, I let the gentlemen know through text messages that although I greatly appreciated their generosity, I would have to decline due to circumstances beyond my control. That was enough for one of the men. "Girls having trouble making up their minds? I have never heard of such a thing," he joked. The other seemed a little more put off. He made himself sound obviously disappointed, explaining how much he would have liked to see me again along with a few winkey faces. I pretended not to notice and figured that was the last I'd hear from him. Less than a week later it was St Patrick's day. And I received a text message from him asking if I needed to put my name on the list. I said sure because about ten girls from work and I were planning on bar hopping and that particular bar/club was a little difficult to get into. Through out the night he tried chatting with me, letting me know about friends he knew that would be there. I answered him, but as briefly as possible. Later on I began receiving text messages from a different number, frantically explaining that his phone had died, and asking me for the specific time I'd be in to see him. Wait what. "Nothing is free" I though. Damn it. He found me in the club and hugs were exchanged. My friends met him. He introduced us to his friends. And then we went along out merry ways. Good. Done.

Or not. As I was doing my table visits a few days ago, I play out my some what prerehersed spheal: "Hey guys how are we doin?? Beers' lookin' dangerously low!" as I'm signing the sheet on the table for proof of my table visit.
"You don't even recognize me?" He said. It was him. Again.
"Oh my god hey!" *half hug* "How are you?"
"You looked beautiful the other night"
"Oh I bet, in my tank top and ripped jeans"
"No you really did."
Uh oh. Serious face. Shit. Retreat. "Oh darn it I just got sat! Talk to you soon!"

And I didn't see him for the rest of the night. I didn't see him leave.
And then the next day I saw his friend in the kitchen. Yes. INSIDE the kitchen. Fixing something.
"What are you doing here?" I said, half shocked, feigning my well rehearsed smile.
"Oh they hire me to maintain some of the equipment."
Fuck. "Oh that's awesome! Well see you around!"

And then today. I was away from my phone for about half an hour and I returned to see a missed call. And a voice mail. From him.
"Brittany you sound so upset on your message, I... think that's unex...unacceptable. You need to change your message to happy-go-lucky sound. My buddy said that he saw you *clears throat*when he came to fix the dishwasher yesterday and I'm highly jealous. I hope to be able to schedule an appointment to see the lovely you. I hope you day is going good. Talk to you soon."

I did not leave him a message of any sort.

Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I know what you did last summer

It has come to my attention that I need to express that I know you're reading this. And that is ok. Sounds pretty obvious huh. Well that would be to most of you. There are a few of you that understand the real meaning of this post. I write this blog with the complete knowledge and understanding of any consequences it may bring to me. I write this blog knowing that it is public and that ANYONE has complete access to it. This general public includes my friends, my family, and my coworkers. I am not ashamed of the information I write about. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I write to share. But I am unable to control the thoughts and feelings caused by my blog. This blog does not reflect the opinions of the companies I work for or the people I write about. I could be lying. I could also be a 64 year old dude living in Michigan. Some of you stumble across this reading material by accident, and some of you use websites to specifically look me up. Either is ok with me. Enjoy.


Awesome review

Come to Hooters.

Monday, March 16, 2009

What year is it again?

WHY are we still banning books?? Fellow Hooters Girl A.Robb writes about the top 100 banned or challenged books of 2000-2007. These books include my personal favorites Harry Potter, A Wrinkle In Time, Fahrenheit 451 and Catcher in the Rye. It includes I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, Julie of the Wolves, Brave New World, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and even the Goosebumps series. Basically anything that isn't completely PC. May the lord have mercy on those who think for themselves.

Here's the list if you're interested.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Watchmen

I have a new favorite movie. No, I don't mean "omg I just saw the greatest movie and I, like, love it!" No this is the tip of the top for me. Not only does this movie seem to speak to me specifically, but it is so beautifully done that I felt like a child the whole time I was in the theater. Well both times, since I've seen it twice so far. (Go IMax, it's worth the few extra bucks.) I was in complete awe at the intricate and twisted psyches of the characters. They were all so different, embodying a specific personality trait or combination of traits that we all have parts of. Seeing life in such extremes as black and white. Being stuck in the pergatude of the grey. Knowing all yet becoming so emotionally detached and losing touch with humanity and who you really are. Being a complete realist. Following in empty footsteps. I fell in love with the slightly over weight Night Owl and his receding hairline. I would give everything to be able to converse with Dr. Manhattan. I pitied Rorschach and the comedian. I understood Silk Spectre. And Ozymandias was able to make a decision none of us would be able to make. I know, I sound like a pathetic uber nerd, but it even has an awesome soundtrack to go with it, complete with Jimi Hendrix, Simon and Garfunkle, Bob Dylan, and Nat King Cole.

Just go see it.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Life Without Fathers or Husbands

There is a secluded tribe of people in the Yunan province in southern China that don't get jealous when their best friends sleep with the hot guy they've been crushing on for about a year and a half. That's because he's already slept with her at least once, and, along with the rest of the male population, he sleeps with whom ever will have him. I know I know, this sounds like your ex boyfriend doesn't it. But seriously, this is an anti-monogamist society that functions. Almost every male in the population knows where the women's bedrooms are and the women have all the power to deny them, but they don't. Women live with their brothers and their mothers together to raise the children they have with the many men they sleep with. Fathers and Husbands aren't necessary. But there are a few taboos: Women and men in the same household do NOT sleep together. When going to the movies they won't even sit in the same row, should a scene display an emotional or physical connection between a man and a woman. These "visits" are kept completely private. Men will throw pebbles at the window of the woman he desires and if she desires him she will let him in. If two should meet and desire to meet later, they will secretly exchange items, or even glances. The women do not visit the men. If she has no visitors, she is left... a little frustrated. Women do decline offers, especially to avoid a double booking, although she may have more than one visitor a night.

Before you buy your plane tickets, I'll warn you that it's not all sunshine and roses. There is also the chance that a father and daughter may sleep together, since everyone is considered "fatherless." Also over half the male population has syphilis, many women are steril, more and more people are born deformed, and the population is stagnating.

Yep, I love cultural anthropology.

Some People Go too Far

Are you tired of stretch marks and that whole being pregnant for nine months thing? Isn't expensive artificial insemination a drag? Doesn't changing diapers take the fun out of being a mother? Well, now you can finally skip all that yucky stuff and for the low LOW cost of one THOUSAND dollars plus postage you can have your own REBORN baby! That right everyone! These FAKE babies look, feel, and weigh just like a real newborn baby would! These "babies" have real human hair, eyes that open and close, and they even breathe!! Their tiny hands have been manicured and for just a little extra, we'll even include a heartbeat!

For Galleries, testimonials, and FAQs, please PLEASE visit http://www.reborn-baby.com/
Order your REBORN baby today, and it will arrive in just a few weeks! Dressed in the finest of baby clothes and "boxed in a nice package ready for a new home."

I'm not going to post a picture because these things freak me out. *shudder*

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Best Thing I've Ever Heard Of

Yes, you guess it. I'm back at the office, sitting here with absolutely nothing left to do. Studying is done. Meaningless web surfing is done. I've updated myself on all of your recent posts. Thanks for the laughs by the way. While surfing, I stumbled upon the greatest event ever. The annual IDIOTAROD, named after The Iditarod. "The famous long-distance race in which yelping dogs tow a sled across Alaska."

Please check out the 09 awards


Secret shoppers have been preying on our poor restaurant. We've lost seven girls in one week, and half are due to low secret shopper scores. Here at hooters our performances are secretly tested by surveyors camouflaged as eager patrons. If we score a 90% or less we get a stern talking to. 80% or less and we lose hours or are even forced to work as a host for the next scheduled week. 70% or less and we are terminated. However, if we receive a 100%, we get a $250 bonus on our next check. Pretty nice tip huh. The problem with trying to get the 100% is that the criteria the secret shopper judges us with constantly changes and sometimes we aren't informed in time. We have sixteen steps we must deliver perfectly from the simple "HELLO!! Welcome to hooters!" to the dropping off of the check. While tending to six other tables, this seemingly simple task can become increasingly difficult. In addition to those steps, we must also inform the patron of our many promotions and calendar events, and our attitudes must be as pristine as our uniforms, of which our smile is its most critical component.

I am determined to get that $250 bonus. Watch out.

Out of order

Oops, looks like when you start a post and finish it later, it posts as the date you began writing it, so I've got a few posts out of order. No big deal really. Just a post about School Girl dress up day at work and the second, way-better-than-the-first, valentines date. I'm going to try and find some pictures from our Hooters Dress up days to post :o)


Monday, March 2, 2009


The light-switch plate in our dressing room. YES. Hooters DOES make you happy.

Harry Potter and the Double Entendre

So I like to read, and I especially love to read what other random people write... lately because of my new job, I've been following the writings of different Hooters girls around the United States, and quite possibly, the world. Today, thanks to the announcement of a fellow Hooters Girl's discovery of another Hooters Girl blog, I stumbled upon "Jedi mind tricks, among other things." and she's amazingly funny. Check her out under my Blog List.

She writes...

"I am not ashamed to admit that I have read the Harry Potter series multiple times. I feel that I pick up things I missed every time I read them, and I specifically ( because I do this with everything) find a lot of sentences that could be, well, suggestive. Now, I hardly think that lots of little children interpret things that way and I really doubt J.K. Rowling did it on purpose, though who knows, but I can find a sexual innuendo in anything. I guess it's because I hang out with guys too much. Anyway, here are some of my favorites:

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
"Whoops, my wand is a little over-excited." -Professor Lockhart.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
"Something silver white, something enormous erupted from the end of his wand."

"Can I have a look at Uranus, too, Lavender?" - Ron.

"Yeh've got to stroke 'em." -Hagrid.

"Hermione's mouth was slightly open after Harry had finished."

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
"Big bones. I'll give her big bones!" - Hagrid.

"Can I have a look at Uranus, too, Lavender?" -Ron.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
"What do you mean I'm not brave in bed?" -Harry.

"But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never knew."

"Harry's heart began to pump very fast. Defense against external penetration?"

"Which left Harry free to sit on the grass and watch the foursome under the tree."

"Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break." -Fred.

"He came last night, when you were in bed." -Ron.

"Was it...was it you know what, darling? Did he use his- thing?" -Petunia.

"I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago."
"He was asking for it!" -Harry and Dudley."

"Quite astonishing the way you contrive to wriggle out of very tight holes." -Snape.

"... every part of him screaming for release, Harry felt the creature use him again..."

"Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow" -George (British version!)

"Ha ha ha, Harry, look at it--" said Ron, watching it disgorge its gaudy innards. "Harry, come and touch it, bet it's weird--"..."Harry, look what's happen--no--no, I don't like it--no, stop--stop--"

"One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley."

"...the handle's made of Spanish oak with anti-jinx varnish and in-built vibration controls..."- Ron.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
"I need to see what Draco Malfoy is doing inside you." -Harry.

"Maybe it's better if you do it yourself. I didn't enjoy it when Dumbledore took me along for the ride." - Harry.

"You remind me of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company." -Lupin.

"You will not object to getting a little wet?" -Dumbledore. "

And she also blogged about zombies. I'm in love.